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Chapter 33: Lunch and a Story

Once they were settled in the dining room, Frederic started his story. "Deirdre and I met in 1959. I was in Europe with my father, learning the family business. The family has an import/export business, called, aptly enough, Carlson Exports. It's based here, well, actually the headquarters are in Manhattan, but we have offices all over the world, especially in Europe. The business was started by my father and his father many years ago, when the family lost its farmland. When my great-grandfather died, there were serious rivalries between my grandfather, your great-grandfather, and his brothers. In the process of fighting over the land and how it was to be managed, they ran it into the ground, and after a few bad seasons were no longer able to pay the taxes on it. So my grandfather took his two sons and left.

"He moved to New York, started the business with his eldest son, my father. He severed all connections with the rest of the family, so I never knew any relatives except the immediate family... My father's brother died during World War I and my mother was an only child. I've always thought it was a pity... But I'm digressing from my original story." Frederic paused, smiled at Nikola and took a sip of wine.

"It was a wild summer. It was the first time I had been to Europe, and, although I was there to work, I didn't really do much work, it was more of a vacation than anything. I was a young man, just out of college, and ready to have fun. Europe was a new experience for me. I had studied German, Spanish, and French in college - I had to for the business - and for the first time those languages came alive for me. And the cultures... Although I had studied them, I had no idea what the differences in culture really meant. The sounds of the cities, the architecture, the way people dressed, their manners, their food, the smells... Everything was new. I felt like a little kid in a candy store. Life was an adventure.

"My father added to that feeling of adventure. He went out of his way to show me the sights, and never pushed work on me. I think he liked showing me around Europe. He did manage to show me some aspects of the business, but he made it seem like fun. He introduced me to a lot of his contacts, and all I noticed was how he wined and dined them. I never appreciated the subtleties of his negotiations, and didn't understand the business dealings behind them. I felt like we were gentlemen travelers rather than businessmen. It was quite a summer - I'll never forget it.

"In the long run, I wished he had pushed me harder. He always believed that he had all the time in the world to teach me, but unfortunately he didn't live as long as he planned, and when he was gone I was completely unprepared to run his business. But I'm on another tangent. Where was I?

"Ah, yes. Your mother. Maybe it was better that he didn't push me to work, because if I had been working hard, I might never have met your mother. I found her working in a tobacconist's, and it was love at first sight. I don't think she was quite as impressed by me at the time, though." Frederic looked away and chuckled to himself, apparently reliving the scene he described. Nikola watched the laugh lines play around his eyes while she waited for him to continue. She noticed Alex across the table from her, carefully scrutinizing the old man.

"I had to ask her out about ten times before she accepted. She was from a very good family, and wasn't in the habit of accepting dates with strangers, as she told me many times. But I went back to that tobacconist's every day, sometimes twice a day, until she accepted. I brought her flowers, huge bouquets, every day. You should have seen the look of terror in her eyes when she saw me coming. I think I embarrassed her terribly in front of her boss. Sometimes, I believe that the only reason she finally accepted was to stop the flowers. She made me promise that I would stop bringing them before she said yes. And even then, she only agreed to one short date. But that was all I needed. I took her to the finest restaurant in town and tried to shower her with gifts. She didn't accept most of them, of course, but I knew that she was dazzled by it all."

"Your mother did a lot of her growing up during the war, and Germany was in ruins for many years afterwards. Most of what she had known had been poverty and destruction. I think her family had some money before the war, but they lost it all early on. She was still a child in many ways, not yet twenty. She had seen some terrible things in her life, but none of the wonderful things that life can bring. I opened up new worlds for her. I was her rich American hero.

"After that first date, the rest was history. We went out almost every night for the next two months, then got married. She wanted to get married in Germany, so that her parents could attend, and I was ready to go along with anything. We had a very small wedding, maybe a dozen people. The only person from my side was my father, but that was enough for me. I didn't care what happened, so long as I had Didi. That was your mother's name: Deirdre Hoffman. I always thought it was the most beautiful name I had ever heard. But everything about your mother was beautiful.

"After the wedding, we went on a five-month honeymoon all over Europe. We were young, rich, and in love. It was an incredible time. I don't think we would ever have come back if it wasn't for my father. He gave us his blessing when we left, but I guess he decided that five months was enough. He was planning to go back to the States, and he needed someone in Europe to run that end of things. So, we went back to Germany, found an apartment in Frankfurt, and set up housekeeping. My duties for Dad's business were rather simple, and I picked up on them quickly, so I rarely had to work more than a half a day. It was wonderful because I could spend the rest of the time with Didi, so it was almost like a continuation of the honeymoon. 

"You arrived about six months after we moved. You were conceived during our honeymoon. I believe it happened in Venice. Some of our most romantic nights were in Venice, the canals are beautiful at night, the way they reflect the lights of the city..." Frederic looked away momentarily and a secret smile crossed over his face.
"So you were born in Germany. You're about as German as someone with a name like Carlson can get. But you have your own name, don't you? I'm sorry about that. I didn't want anyone to be able to trace you."

"Why not? What happened?" Nikola could not imagine a turn of events to explain his last statement.
"Well, let me get back to my story. You were only a few months old when my father died and we had to move back to America. I didn't want to leave Germany, and I know that Didi didn't want to either, but we had no choice. My mother insisted. I had to come home and take care of the business.

"That was a very difficult time. I often wonder if I could have gotten through it at all without your mother there. She was much more mature than I was. I was still a kid in so many ways. All my life I had played the part of a rich, spoiled playboy. I wasn't ready for responsibilities, and suddenly they were coming in from everywhere. My mother expected me to take my father's place somehow. She took his death very hard. She didn't know how to live without him."

He shook his head sadly and took a few sips of wine. Nikola thought she saw worry lines cross his brow. "You were only a few months old when we moved into this house. I took over the business and running this place as well as I could, but I couldn't replace my father. I just didn't have the business sense, or the drive. And my mother was no help either. She seemed to lose all desire to live when my father died. Even a new granddaughter didn't cheer her up. Your mother tried to take care of her and my sister, but it was too much for her. Especially with my sister - she could be rough."

"Your sister? I have an aunt too?"

"You did. I'm afraid she passed away a few years back. Her name was Mary. She's a year younger than me, and somewhat difficult. She was always a bit emotionally disturbed. In many ways, she was always like a child. It's not that she's retarded or anything - as a matter of fact she's quite bright, that's part of the tragedy. She, just, well... She always thought like a child. She never matured. She couldn't understand the concept of responsibility, or sharing. She didn't get along with other people very well. I mean, I get along with her fine, and I love her dearly, but she had trouble interacting with others. I don't think she liked Didi very much.

"When we first moved here, Didi tried to take care of everything: the house, my mother, Mary, and, of course, you. I know that she was trying to make things easier for me, but I'm afraid my family made it impossible. My mother couldn't help the situation, she was completely apathetic after my father's death, and basically just let herself fade away. She died six months after Dad. She simply had no desire to live.

"I don't think that Mom's death was really a surprise for any of us, except Mary that is - she took it very badly, but the rest of us could see it coming. It was still very difficult, of course. It was tough for me to lose both my parents so close together. But no one ever said life was easy." Frederic had been staring off to the side, looking downward, as he described his parents' deaths. But when he stopped speaking, he seemed to focus back in on the present. He looked up at Nikola, smiled, and said, "Why don't we move back to the drawing room. I'm sure we'll be more comfortable there."

"Of course." Nikola rose from the table that had been cleared of plates some time before. She watched her father slowly rise with a bit of difficulty, and apparently some pain. Although she hardly knew the man, it hurt her to see him like this. It made her think of all the years she had missed, and she wondered what he had been like as a younger man. From his features, she imagined that he must have been rather handsome, and his build indicated strength. She wondered if he had played with her as a child, tossed her in the air as she had seen other fathers do. Again, the question of why he abandoned her came to the front of her mind. She wanted to ask again, but she didn't want to push him. His story thus far gave no clues that she could discern.

As she and Alex followed him into the drawing room, she said, "Thank you for telling me all this. I hope you will continue your story."

"Of course. I suppose I should have done this earlier, but, once I let you go, I was afraid to approach you. I was afraid that you wouldn't forgive me."

"You should have come to me anyway. Not knowing was the worst. Please continue your story."

"Don't worry, my dear, I'll tell you all. In the mean time, why don't we settle down? I see Paul has our coffee." 

The butler followed them in with a tray of coffee and pastries, and laid the platter on the coffee table nearest the center of the room. Nikola and Frederic sat on opposite couches, and Alex sat on an armchair to the side. Nikola noticed that he was still watching the proceedings warily, but seemed to have relaxed his suspicious stance somewhat. Nikola felt like she was in an old movie when the butler poured a cup of coffee for each of them silently and gracefully. Once he was finished, he left the room, and Frederic continued.

"After mother's death things calmed down a bit. Mary and Didi learned to work with one another, although I think they mostly avoided each other, and Didi could concentrate her time on you. 

"The situation at Carlson Exports improved as well, once I finally learned to take advice from the staff. I had learned a lot in Europe, and was very familiar with operations over there, but it's a very different business here at headquarters. In the beginning, I felt obligated to run things personally, and, to tell you the truth, I was completely lost. My business background wasn't nearly strong enough for me to step in as quickly as was necessary. In addition, I was worried about the situation at home. Luckily, the New York office has an excellent executive staff that helped make the transition as smooth as possible, once I learned to trust them.

"My father set it up very well, and had loyal and dedicated people working for him. He knew how to pick and keep his employees. Some of them are still with the company, and many others retired with us. In fact, these days, the business pretty much runs itself, with minimal input from me. I'm hardly involved with day-to day operations anymore. Of course, I still monitor things. As the major stockholder and Chief Executive Officer you always have to know what's going on, and I get regular reports from the company. I don't mean to bore you dear, but you should know about these things, because one day, the business, and this house, will be yours. But, now that you've come home, I suppose we have some time to discuss business."

Nikola looked at him blankly, not quite sure if she was ready to just jump into this new and foreign world. "Tell me more about my mother."

"We had several very good years here after that. I went into the city at least four times a week, and put in long hours learning more and more about the business. I had big plans to bring it to new heights. But, as time went on, I realized that the family was my top priority. I cut down on the long hours, and found ways to work from home so that I got to spend more time with you and Didi. I think your mother was actually beginning to like it here at the time. The transition from Germany was very hard for her in the beginning, but with me around more, I think she was adjusting. She still had some problems with Mary, but they stayed out of each other's hair." 

"How did she die?"

"You don't remember the accident?"

"No, I don't remember anything before the orphanage."

"Are you serious?"

"Of course - I wouldn't lie to you," Nikola said, shocked at being questioned on something like that.

"But you created paintings depicting it."

"What are you talking about?"

"I believe you call them the 'Woman in Red' series."

"That was my mother's death?"

"Yes, I assumed you remembered it."

"No, it came to me in a dream." As if the house itself wasn't proof enough, here she had more evidence that her memories were coming back to her through her dreams. It was what she had always hoped for, but it promised to be a mixed blessing. Now she had to try to sort out the real elements from the subconscious embellishments, and put it all together. "I always thought it was me falling down the stairs in that dream."

"Really? The resemblance is remarkable. Do you have any other dreams like that?" Nikola thought about it a while and decided not to tell him too much about her other dreams. Although she wanted to trust him completely, she was still unsure. "I don't know. I mean, I have dreams, but I've always had vivid dreams. Most of my other dreams are the usual surrealistic montages that normally make up dreams. She has never appeared in any others."
"What else have you seen in dreams?" Frederic seemed very anxious about the question, giving Nikola the distinct impression that there was something he didn't want her to remember.

"Nothing really. I've seen the house a few times - but just in quick glimpses. That's how I found the place when we came out here."

"What kind of glimpses?"

"Disconnected scenes. Just the image of the outside. Nothing more."

"So, you don't remember anything else from here?"

"No, is there anything in particular that I should remember?"

"No, nothing... I was just wondering..."

"How did she fall?" Nikola asked. "I can never see the top of the stairs..." All along, it had been her mother. My mother, and I had been so completely convinced that it was me. I even feel the pain... I must have seen it. What am I blocking out on top?

"It was an accident, a terrible accident. I never actually saw it, I was in my study when it happened, but I think you were there, and Mary was there. I rushed out as soon as I heard the commotion, but I was too late. Didi was falling backwards, out of control. I tried to catch her but I just couldn't move fast enough. There was nothing I could do. It was just one of those accidents. You don't know how many times I've relived that night over and over again in my mind to see if there was anything... I loved your mother so much... I would give anything to prevent that accident..." His voice trailed off and he looked away for a moment, blinking back tears. Nikola couldn't help but believe him.

"You seemed different after that," Frederic continued. "When I heard about your memory loss at the orphanage, I thought that it might have been the best thing for you. It must have been very difficult for you to witness your mother's death. And you were just five at the time..."

"It was an accident?" Nikola repeated, trying to imagine the moment she couldn't see.

"She must have tripped. She loved to wear those long dresses, and I often warned her about them with all the stairs in this house, but she persisted nonetheless. I suppose I didn't object hard enough, because she looked so beautiful in them... Like a European princess."

"In my dream she was carrying something, some papers."

"I think she had a pile of folded clothing with her. I remember it scattered over the stairs... Perhaps that's what you're thinking about."

"I guess. You've seen the 'Woman in Red' series?"

"Of course, I go to all your shows."

"Do you really? That's sweet. So you know what I've been up to."

Frederic chuckled at her statement. "Yes, I must admit it. I keep tabs on you. I'm very proud of you."

"For how long, and how?"

"Ever since I left you at the orphanage."

"You've been watching me? Have you had me followed?" Nikola looked at Frederic with undisguised shock, considering the possibility that her own father could be the source of her recent torture.

"Please, don't take it wrong. I just wanted to know what you were up to, what you were like."

"Why didn't you just introduce yourself, and act like a real father?" Nikola stood up, too anxious to remain seated.

"I wanted to, believe me. But I couldn't. I would never have abandoned you if I had any other choice," Frederic leaned forward, reaching up towards Nikola, but she avoided his grasp.

"Then why did you?"

"It's a long story," he said as he collapsed back into his chair.

"I have time. Are you having me followed now?"

"No. When I fired Alex that was it. He did tell you his real name, didn't he?" Frederic gestured towards Alex.

"You hired him?"

"Yes. I just wanted to..."

"You're the one behind the Morse Chester Law firm?"

"Yes."

"You bought the 'Women in Red' series?"

"Yes."

"Can I see them?"

"Of course. You're welcome to come and see them anytime." Frederic seemed to relax at this turn of the conversation.

"I'm glad I know where the paintings are now, I missed them. But I'm surprised to hear that you bought them. I would think you would find them very painful to look at, if they depict my mother's, and your wife's, death."

He slowly heaved himself off the couch and started walking towards the door. "But they are done by you, of you, and about a very important moment in your life. You don't do self portraits, so I didn't have much choice. Follow me. I have a gallery full of your paintings. I'm an avid collector."

Nikola and Alex followed Frederic out of the room and across the atrium, to the second set of double doors on the other side. Frederic removed a key from his pocket and opened them. "This is the gallery."

"You keep it locked?" Alex asked.

"I wouldn't want anything to happen to the paintings. They are my treasures."

Nikola and Alex followed him into a long rectangular room. It had hardwood floors and was sparsely furnished with a few chairs. It looked like a museum gallery with fifteen foot ceilings and white walls, which were covered with Nikola's paintings. She walked into it, started looking around, and found numerous examples of every stage of her career thus far. She even found some work from her University years, which she had exchanged for room and board. As she gazed at her old work, the time came rushing back to her. She got an eerie sensation, knowing that she had been watched the whole time.

"So you've been having me followed all these years?"

"No, not at all. The first and last time I ever had you followed was when I hired Alex. When you were in Germany, I just kept track of your exhibitions, and articles about you in the art press. You could say I followed you as a fan might. But I never had you physically followed before, I swear. When I heard you were coming here, I thought this might be a good time for me to get to know more about you, so I hired Alex. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you."

"You're not having me followed now?" Nikola had a accusatory tone in her voice. She didn't know whether or not to trust him.

"No, I swear."

"Well, someone is."

"Someone is following you?"

"Yes, I caught him at it a few days ago."

"What did he look like?"

"I didn't get a good look at him. Why?"

"Oh, no reason. I was just curious."

"You know anything about the note I received?"

"Note?"

"Don't play stupid. Alex included a description of it in his last report. It was postmarked from this town."

"Oh, that. Yes, I do remember reading about it."

"Well?"

"I have no idea what it's about. I'm sorry that you received it. Do you think it could be a prank?"

"Do you?"

"I couldn't imagine anything else. Why should anyone want to hurt you?"

"I don't know whether to believe you or not, Frederic. In many ways, I would like to, I've always wanted a family, but all this doesn't make much sense."

"I know dear, and I'm sorry. But you must believe me. Now that I've met you, I want us to be like a real family. I love you so much. I wouldn't do anything to hurt you."

"I've had enough of these old paintings. Can we go back to the drawing room?" The discrepancy between her memories and what she was learning today was more than Nikola could take at the moment.

"Of course, whatever you would like."

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